February 13/2017

Well here I am sitting the night before the big day.  Usually it is a exciting thing the night before…… The night before I married the love of my life, the night before I had both my beautiful baby boys, the night before Christmas which became so exciting when you have kids,the night befor my grandchildren were born. All these things are so exciting, surrounded with such love.  ❤️ 

But my night before is the night before I start Chemo tomorrow. The day I put that poison through my veins. It is so scary it scares the “shit” out of me. Even though I know how important it is. I want to live, I really want to live ..it is really had to get yourself ready for this to prepare your mind and body. To keep telling myself this is a means to an end. Although this Chemo is going to make me sick, in the long run it is going to make me better, or so that is the plan. There are no guarantees.  I want to live

Jamie called me tonight to send his love and thoughts with me for tomorrow, as soon as I heard his voice I started to cry. I don’t know why?  I really am ok for the most of it. Then Mac called to send his love, and I cried when I heard his voice too. My poor guys I know it is tough for them to be away. But I really am ok. I am a tough cookie. And like you guys both say to me all the time……We Got This….I want to live 

I have spent my last few days keeping very busy, busy hands keep a quiet mind.  Or so I have heard.  It seems to have worked for me. I am not letting myself worry to much. Of course it is always in the back of my mind, just what the hell this cancer has already done to my body, what else will it do in the next 18 weeks? If I can get through these next weeks I can get through anything. Because….I want to live 

I find myself thinking a lot of BJ, and Mom lately. Maybe because the word cancer makes us think of death. I wonder how they are? If they are watching  down over me ? I feel such strength from them both. Some days that is what keeps me going. Although I look forward to the day I get to see them both. I am not ready yet. I know they both understand and will be waiting with open arms the day I do go to see them…..I want to live 

I want to thank everyone for all the messages today, the cards and e-mails and texts, they mean very much to me and I appreciate them all. Tomorrow is going to be a tough day. But I got this. Because….I want to live. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Beth😇