December 13/2016

I had to go for another ultrasound today. No results until I see my dr. I have no idea when that will be. I guess on day of surgery. I was told I had a hiatus hernia way back in May. But with the new CT 2 weeks ago. They discovered I don’t have that but some kind of lump on my thyroid..Really !!! I have been treated for the hernia for the last 6 months. I give up the whole system is crazy. 

Because of my blog lots of people know about my cancers and what I have done already and what I plan on doing.  It surprises me the things people think or say. Like your done having kids and breast feeding you don’t need those boobs anymore anyway. So true I never did breast feed so I guess I never did really need my boobs for that. Or boobs aren’t important you can live without them. That too is true. I can live without them ( as my blog is called)..even who cares get rid of them, no big deal.  I do agree with all these things people say to me.  But as it get closer and closer to my surgery.  I am feeling a little protective of my breasts. 

They arnt really that bad. They are kind of droopy now, I am not even sure of the size I am because 1/2 of my boobs are under my armpits. They are for sure uneven. But they are mine and I feel kind of like a death is going to happen. Something is going to die. My breasts are going to die. I will go to sleep and wake up and they will be gone. I am pre mourning the loss. I know when I write it that it sounds crazy. But it really is how I feel. I wonder how I will look without them?  Do I become kind of a spectical or something?  Will everyone be looking at me to see if they can tell if I have breasts or not? Will all my clothes fit different? Of course they will who am I kidding, I will have no breasts in my v-necks or t-shirts  forget a bathing suit. Ever !!!!!!. Or at least until I decide if I want re-constructive surgery anyway. I am not the first woman to go through this. I wonder what other women think ? Do they feel the same? 

It also is causing havoc with other parts of my crazy life. My nurse ( after you get breast cancer they hook U up with a nurse navigator so she is my nurse ). Told me I need to down play my Christmas this year. It is after all only 7 days after my surgery. She said I might even want to stay home this year. ( alone …. With Jamie of course) because I will not be feeling up to doing much, I will still have drains in and my left arm will be pretty much out of commission. So I am trying to simplify our Christmas Day ( we only get it ever other year on Christmas Day because of all the X’s) ( that’s a whole new book lol lol) she said it is just one year, and it is my health. I agree with her. BUT Christmas only comes once a year. This year I need a magic wand to make all the pieces come together. Wish me luck. 

So back to making plans. I need to do this one day at a time. Not worry about what is ahead of me. Just get through each day. And hope each day will take care of itself and everything will fall into place.

Tomorrow is pre-op they told me it will take about 5 hours but could be up to 8 hours . ( oh my GAWD 8 hours) that is longer than the whole surgery. But whatever … One day at a time. I should have more information tomorrow on my whole procedure. 🙏🏼

I have to mention a few things on here. I have a good friend who I have not spoken to much in the last few months. ( mostly my fault with my health and my accident) anyway she called the other day said she had seen my blog. She was going through some tough times  (as we all do at times) and was even a bit depressed and was having trouble going out or even getting out of bed. But when she read my blog she said it got her motivated to get up and get going and get on with her life. After all the crap I have been throught this year she said hers seemed small in comparison. But I don’t want to compare we all handle our stuff the way we handle it. Who says what’s right or wrong .The good the bad and the ugly of it. I felt really glad that my blog helped her.  I hope she reads this and she will know who I am talking about she said I could talk about her. ( but I don’t want to use her name ) this is to help other. But mostly it helps me. 

One more thing sorry I am long tonight.  A very special friend of mine from Calgary sent me in the mail a beautiful tea cup ( or coffee cup. But I drink tea so I call it a tea cup ) it has Angel wings on it (I love love love Angels, because I have one in heaven waiting for me) it also came with Angel tea … I have had it twice now and it seems to be the only thing that calms me theses days. Thanks my special friend that meant the world to me. ❤️😘

That’s my day…. AND….”because this is my life. That’s the only explanation I need ” 

Beth 😇