December 16/2016
I would like to say patiently waiting. But I don’t feel very patient anymore. I just want to get this over so I can start the healing process. Although I am scared as hell to have this surgery. Crazy how can you be both ? During the day I am all strong, keeping myself very busy and just waiting patiently. But as soon as my head hits the pillow at night I am all nervous and anxious and worrying about everything. Why is it that the dark of night makes everything more scary? More real? More why me?
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, I was dreaming about going into surgery. All was going good I was all happy talking to the doctors and nurses. Then they were putting me to sleep and I was counting. The next thing I know I am awake and surgery is all over. But I am missing my left arm. I ask the doctors why my arm is wrong and they tell me the cancer has spread to my arm and they had to remove it too. I was so totally freaked out. I just layed there holding my left arm. Then today in daylight I started thinking about why I would dream like that. I think I know why ? Because I keep saying that after my accident I couldn’t walk I had no legs. Now I will have no arms and I think my subconscious just took my arm away. So no more saying that. My arms might be a little soar for a few days ( weeks) but I will wake with both arms. I know this. So I need to not worry about that. Easier said than done!!!!!!
I had a good friend come by for a visit today. She was actually one of BJ’s best friends. She brought me a gift a couple of touques and scarves that are for breast cancer. She says with this cold I will be needing it ( boy is that true with -32 tonight) anyway we had a very nice visit. I told her I was looking for some lanyards but couldn’t find any anywhere. After she left she came back with 2 for me from her Mom. Thanks Virginia and Cindy for the gifts today. Much appreciated.
Tonight out neighbours and and some friends came by for a visit too. It is good because he keeps the evenings busy. The time goes by faster. Thanks guys you know who you are.
So I did get a call today from the hospital. They told me I could call at 2 pm, and I would be told what time my surgery was. But at 1:59 pm the phone rang it was the hospital ( of course it was, even though I was supposed to call them ). They told me I had to be at the hospital for 7am. I was great I was hoping to be early as to not wait all day. So I said what time is surgery if I have to be there that early. Oh she dosent tell me that. I will find out after I get there at 7am and go to the ward. Oh my gawd. It really is a crazy system. I have no idea what time surgery is. But glad it is still Monday. I think ??
I am not getting much sleep these last few nights. But I have learned how to order on line. Good thing or not I am not sure. But lots of fun. I have a parcel everyday at the post office. It is fun to get mail. I send Jamie everyday to get it. He just laughes and says what did u get today. I actually have a few things coming for him too. I hope they get here before Christmas. Because after Monday I thing I will be a little out of commission to worry about what to get ready for Christmas. I have every thing done that I can think of to do ahead. Whatever is not done will not get done after Monday I am pretty sure.
Only two more sleeps after tonight. Waiting is hard!!!
Beth 😇
2 Things We Can Live Without 
That was so nice of BJ’s friend to come visit – and then return with the lanyards. So thoughtful. You have a lot of great friends and very supportive family to keep you busy for sure.
All of your mixed feelings are completely understandable and it has to be so hard to try to keep yourself together day after day! Your are sure blessed to have your friends and ALL of your family helping you in the different ways that have mattered and when least expected.
I’m wondering how this surgery is making you feel different than when you had to prepare yourself for your kidney removal surgery? Were you treated differently for that one? So much to deal with in such a short time.
I’m not sure if Edmonton hospitals are the same but in Calgary at Rockyview Hospital all surgery times (with patient’s last name) are posted on a small tv screen in an small waiting area of the hospital. The times are updated when surgeries are done. It reminded me of the screens at the airport that display flight arrivals and departures. The patient’s information would scroll to display whether (s)he was still in surgery or in the recovery room.
Beth, I know you have confidence (and faith) with your breast cancer surgeon. I am sure you feel that you will be in good hands with her. She and your surgery team will treat you so differently than how these other ones have been treating you (too much disorder/confusion). Your patience is amazing!
I sent you a prayer earlier with two beautiful large Angels. I know all of “your” own Angels will be watching over you during your surgerry.
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