December 17/2016

I have had a lot of experience with grief. I know that there are five stages of grief … Denial,Anger,Bargaining,Depression, and Acceptance. These stages follow no rules. You don’t just go through the stages and yippie you are done grief ( if only it was that easy). You can go in and out of these stages over and over and over again. And repeat the same ones over and over and even miss some for a long time. But you will go through all of them at some time that is for sure. 

I have decided that having cancer I am going through theses five stages again. It is a little different than with grief. But for sure the five stages. Because at first I was in total denial that I could even get a second cancer so close to the last cancer I had. Then I was angry very angry at why me? Why does my family have to go through this again? Then I was bargaining  I thought if I already had cancer once then no way my God would let me get it again. Not so soon, I would be so good eat right, even exercise, do everything right, as long as my diagnosis was not cancer again. Then I was a little depressed at all the tests I had to go though all the doctor appointments again. Just everything it was really getting me down. I hated to see the pain my family was going through watching me again try to be so strong and fight yet another cancer. Then finally I was ok!!!!! Acceptance. So I have cancer again, but I got this. I can fight this. I did it once I can do it again. No big deal.  I have gone through theses stages at least two times each since I found out I had this second time cancer. I am sure I will go through all these stages many more times in the next few months.  But I truly believe knowing it and recognizing it. That’s half the battle. 

I have read a lot about breast cancer. My good friend from Calgary came to see me in late October and brought me a whole pile of books on breast cancer. They have been a God send. Because they have walked me through all the steps of having breast cancer all the way to what to expect after surgery, with chemo, with radiation, to re-constructive surgery if I choose to do so. I have read them all day and even in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. They have been a real comfort to me. Knowledge is a good thing. Knowing what to expect is a good thing. Thanks Angie ❤️

I also can’t believe all the help there is for breast cancer. From my nurse navigator to the stores that specialize in everything you need before during and after breast cancer. There is so much help. I even found out about a program at the Misracordia Hospital to help breast cancer patients cope. I plan on taking advantage of that too. I found very little help with the kidney cancer. I did get a book from my friend Angie then too. But even my doctors found no extra help for me.  I felt very alone. I couldn’t even find anyone who was or had gone through kidney cancer. But sadly there are a lot of women even in my small community who have all gone this breast cancer road before me. Many who are also younger than me too. And in case anyone is wondering. My two cancers are not related. They are two totally different kinds of cancer, my kidney cancer did not matastized to my breasts and that is a good thing. 

Lastly we went to a friends 60th surprise birthday party tonight. I looked around the room and thought I sure hope I make it to my 60th birthday ( but I don’t want a surprise party lol lol ) then I told myself. Of course you will, you got this. Just another day under my belt. Moving forward. 

Beth 😇