December 18/2016

This is the last night before my surgery tomorrow. The before I had breast cancer and then after I had my mastectomy’s. I know this is going to change me in ways I don’t think even I have come to understand or realize yet. I am feeling pretty anxious tonight. Not scared but a little jumpy. Because I know from here I can’t turn back. Knowing that is the scary part. I think I am ready for surgery and all that will be new in my life.

I have had 10 weeks to live with this cancer or at least know that I had this cancer. But I will now have the rest of my life living without it. It is just that to get rid of this ugly cancer a part of my body has to go with it. I can not change that so I am going to live with my choices. It is all the tough stuff that comes after the surgery, the healing, the Chemo, the radiation. All of these things are the real ugly part of cancer. My doctor told me cancer does not hurt. It is the treatments to get rid of it that hurts. That I think is the really hard part. Because I go into this tomorrow. I am not sick, this lump does not hurt. But tomorrow I will begin the journey to the new me. The after the cancer is removed from my breasts. To move on to getting this cancer all gone and the treatments all done,then the new me will begin. 

I have done this new me before. My family has done this new us before.  Because for 20 plus years we have all talked about our lives before BJ died and after BJ died. We all started over. So we know how to do this. We are all pro’s at this. So I say lets do this my family. We Got This. Tomorrow is our new lives after this cancer is removed. 

I did go to church today. I really wish I made the time to go more often. My Mom used to say it is one hour out of your week. I for sure have one hour a week to give thanks for my life my family all that I have in my life. But somehow I just never seem to take the time. I hope that next year I can make this happen more often. Because I left church today and I really did feel better. I felt a little more at peace. I hope that will get me through the next 48 hours. Because after that I am sure everyone will be more relaxed. I am praying that we will all feel more peace then. ( all of my family) 

I spent some time today with my little (she is really little now) sister and her family. Kept me busy and no time to think or worry.thabks for that all of you. ❤️ Jamie statyed home from church and from my visit at my sisters. I think he had a great day relaxing and watching what he wanted on TV. He had the remote to himself all day. ( that never happens). He watched boxing and some  old westerns. I think he needed a relax day too. Just a day to relax and turn his brain off from worrying about me. It was good for him. The next few days will be crazy for him and the next few weeks and months will be crazy for him too.  So glad you got a day for you today Jamie. I love you babe😘

So good-night all. Catch you on the other side of this cancer. 

Beth 😇