January 17/2017 

So my Jamie is off to work and I feel like I did when we were first married and he had to go to work. I never wanted him to go and I would cry and make him feel bad. Well at least I waited until he left to cry. What a baby !!  I just wish we were done this journey, it would make it so much easier. I am, very glad he has a job and doing what he loves. ❤️😘 it takes a few days then I toughen up. 

I have had a few weird experiences. I get up in the middle of the night on Sunday night and I start to watch a movie. The movie is about a young mother who is dying of breast cancer.  I quickly turned it off. But it pulled at my heart strings. Then I am watching a show on TV last night it is about a woman dying of breast cancer. Again it hurt my heart. It seems to be coming at me from all sides.  Or am I just a little to sensitive ?  I wonder?  I probably am.  BUT !!  I don’t want to hear of people dying of cancer. I want to hear of them living with it. Surfing cancer. I think this waiting again to get in for my next step, the chemo, is driving me a bit crazy. I keep worrying that cancer is growing some where else in my body. It seems quite normal to me to be worrying about that. Because my doctor told me that’s why they start treatment so fast to stop cancer from going anywhere else. Only I have to wait 2 months. It pisses me off…..

I did call the cross cancer today and asked if they had any cancelations the receptionist told me I don’t need to call, that they will call me if they get a cancellation. I told her it made me feel better to be calling, she said I could but it probably won’t change. Most people don’t cancel appointment there.  Of course they don’t because they have to wait to long to get in. But wait I will. I have no choice. 

Still no feeling in my armpits and on the back of my arms. Some across the front and back too. Although that is getting a bit better. It sure seems to be taking a long time to get feeling back. I also still have sore ribs . That is making me not slouch it hurts to much. I am going to have posture like a military person. Nice and straight. I had no idea I would be without feeling this long. The whole process is much longer  than I expected. Even though I read so much nothing prepared me for recover like this. 

I know that I should be more thankful for the fact I have pain because that  means I am alive. This cancer is taking its toll on me, but I will win. That I am sure of. I know I have to have some bad days to see the good ones. Tomorrow will be a good day. 🌺

Beth😇