February 4/2017

I have had a couple really rough nights. When you don’t get much sleep it affects everything. First off I am so tired all day, I have had naps the last two days again, but that could be what keeps me up at night. It becomes a vicious cycle. It also gets my mind going, funny how the dark of night your mind goes like mad …. 

I start to look at my future and then wonder if I do have a future. Where will I be a year from now? Even a month from now when I am going full force into chemo. Will I have hair? Or not? Will I be to sick to even care? Will this chemo put me into remission? Or does it even do that? Will my quality of life be so bad that I will wonder if the chemo is even worth it?  I have to admit to myself I am scared….I don’t want to be but I am. These are just some of my late night thoughts. 

Then the light of day comes…… Thank you “God” and I lift my spirits and feel much better about everything. I know that it is my decison to do chemo, I have heard all the good all the bad about it. I have decided to do it, go for it, get it over with, just get started. Then see what happens to ” ME” .So far I have really had very little knowledge about what I was getting into until after I experienced it. A lot like the death of my son, nobody can explain to you just how hard it is to go through it ,until you go through it. Not very reassuring..but, the truth!! 

I am pretty sure that everyone who has walked the path I am about take before me, was just as unsure and scared as I am.  I really feel in my heart chemo is my best option to live longer. Only knowing I am going to be so sick is pretty hard to do, because I am doing it to myself, as I have made the final decision. Scary as it is. 

The bright spot in my day today was…My Jamie sent me a text this morning he said to listen to a song. It was “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”  by: Aerosmith. I listened to it and it made me cry. Never heard it before. I know Jamie so well he is a man of few words but when he says something  like listen to the words of this song it is from his heart ❤️ it said that the loves me and misses me and that although he needs to be away at work he won’t miss a thing, he will be there is my heart.  Because I will tell him everyday what is happening to me and my body. I do know how lucky I am to have him and his support through ” our” cancer adventure. I love you Babe, I know you will read this tonight after work ❤️😘 thanks for the song 🎼

Tomorrow is another day. But tonight is also another night. 

Beth 😇