April 30/2017

Finally I have some good news, I have been feeling good for three days counting today. That was a very long stretch of feeling sick. I was starting to get pretty down as I am sure you could all see with my last few posts. 

I did some really long hours of reflecting on my life, before cancer and after cancer. I have a year now with this terrible disease in my body not once but twice. I questioned my luck?why me? this is so unfair, what have I done in my life to deserve this?  Only to realize that none of these questions mean anything. Either we get cancer or we don’t, I think it is more the luck of the draw. I just drew the short stick twice in one year. Although I really don’t like having cancer as I am sure no one does, it is the hand I have been delt and I need to pull up my big girl panties and fight this disease like a “GIRL” 

I am not looking forward to the last three rounds of chemo, as my doctor said it is rougher on my body than the first three. I wonder and of course worry how can it be worse? But I am going into it with only three more and then I am done. I can’t wait for the done part. I need to keep positive and strong. 

I also thought about my life looking forward, growing my hair back and eyelashes and eyebrows will be nice. Lol lol. But more important I thought a lot about the things that matter to me. All my collectables which I have a lot off. I have collected Angels since BJ died I have hundreds, and my home I love so much it meant so much to me to make it a loving place for all my family to always feel welcome in,these things were so important to me, now I wish that we lived in a little trailer we could just pack up and go wherever and whenever we want. Now the most important things are the times I get to spend with my family. Today Jolee is having a birthday party for all three girls, but I can’t go because I can’t be around crowds with my white blood counts so low I could catch something very easily. So Jamie has gone to represent both of us. He loves those kids so much, he will have as much fun as they do.  So I am keeping myself busy thinking I will be there next year, oh God I hope I am better and can attend these things next year. ❤️

I have thought a lot about every phone call and visit I get from my family and friends. I really do appreciate everyone who has taken the time to call, write, make food, and just be there for me. I always appreciated everyone. But now I realize they are taking time from their busy days to think about me and what I am going through.  It means the world to me. Thank you to each and every one of you. 😘

I guess what I am trying to say is I see the small things now and realize how big the small things are. Like……Even if I do sleep every afternoon and go to bed earlier than Jamie I know he is always there when I get up. Watching out for me and checking on me all the time. How lucky I am to have him home right now when I need him most. Because all this being sick and hospital stuff is also hard on him and all my family as they worry all the time about me. I know it even if they don’t say it. I love you all and thanks ❤️❤️

Today’s saying : Happiness comes easier when you stop complaining about your problems and start being grateful for all the problems you don’t have . 💐

Beth😇