Today marks 4 years since I had my breast cancer surgery and my double mastectomy. I have never ever regretted this surgery. Because without it I most likely would not be here right now. That being said the road to recovery has been long and slow. Living without my breasts has been nothing short of “HARD”. It has changed me in so many ways. How I feel about my body and how I worry other people see my body. I dress different, and I present myself differently. But I am not ever embarrassed of my body. My body tried to kill me, and I lived to tell the story. I also always want to show my granddaughters, my nieces, and my sisters. That I am strong. That I am a survivor. That I am a force to be reckoned with. All the while with a smile on my face. I have done this, I will continue to do this. As hard as it is many days. I am a survivor.

Now the next “BIG” thing in my life. The loss of my beautiful son BJ. This was also very devastating in my life, as any parent can only imagine. I have survived this, but just barely. There have been so many many dark days in my life since BJ died I can’t even count them all. Just as I thought I could go on no longer something came along to change my dark days and give me something to go on. Most of the time no one except Jamie even knew how low I had gone. How hopeless I felt. For sure some of the biggest saving graces were my grandkids being born. One, two, three, four just spaced far enough apart that I could have hope every few years to keep going. Or that’s what I would say. Little did they know these beautiful babies that they were saving my life. Giving me something to live for over and over again. They still keep me going. And I have added five and six now. None of them replace BJ or will they ever. But they definitely bring new hope to my outlook on life. I will miss BJ the rest of my life I know that. I always keep him tucked deep inside of my heart. Now I pull him out in the dark of night when I am all alone, only my pillow knows the amount of emotion I hide from the world. I survived the hardest moments alone, while everyone believed I was fine. I am a survivor.

I have talked about Covid before. I know it has been hard for so many people. The sheer isolation is torture. Then add grief into that and the pain is unbearable. So many people have lost love ones to this awful pandemic. I am so so sorry for everyone who has lost someone, I know how hard that is. Knowing that your loved ones died alone I can’t even imagine. Then loss of jobs, homes, businesses. Everything about Covid is awful. I can’t speak on everything. But I can speak about my experience, the loneliness is bad. It is making me crazy. Being held up in my trailer is starting to get to me. I have cleaned everything and baked everything I possibly can. I only have 400 square feet here. I miss my kids my grandkids my sisters my Dad. I have found myself very teary the last couple of weeks. The Christmas season is always hard for me. My emotions are always very close to the surface this time of year. But I find my tears come much easier this year. I think this whole new world we are living in scares me. I don’t like it and I still don’t see any relief in the near future. Although there is now a vaccine, how long is it going to take to get everyone vaccinated? Then everyone needs a second shot. This is going to take a long time. I can see us next year at this time still wearing masks. Still being locked down. I hope I am wrong. I hope things start to turn around soon. I don’t know how much more people can take of this pandemic, how much more I can take. I will do my best to carry on, as everyone else is doing too. Because I am a survivor.

We are heading into the week before Christmas. The most exciting time of year for kids everywhere young and old. A time for family and friends. Of good food and drinks, of presents and fun. We will all be celebrating a little different this year. With a lot less family around, less food and drinks less presents and fun. But let’s all make the best of Christmas this year so that next year we can all be together again. We can all survive one year this way. Merry Christmas everyone 🎅🏻🎄 From my home to yours. 🏠

Today’s saying : Strong women aren’t simply born. They are made by the storms they walk through.

Another : Sometimes happy memories hurt the most.

Beth 😇