Here I sit one night before the worst “date”of my life. About 22 hours to be precise. A day I will never forget and a day that is etched into my brain forever, and into Jamie’s and Mac’s brains too. Where our lives were forever changed. It was 25 years ago April 20/1996 at about 8pm. Our precious son got his Angel wings and left us forever. 😇❤️

We had a pretty normal day that day. I was at a class for grief I had lost my Mom 9 months earlier and I was still having trouble coping. Jamie was home with the boys and just hanging around in the yard. Jamie had taken BJ to the chicken farm down the road to apply for his first job, he was so excited when they told him he was hired. Then Jamie and BJ took a load to the dump, Jamie later told a story of mice being in the trailer and how BJ screamed like a girl when they came running out. Later in the day BJ asked if he could go to his friends house for a sleep over, Jamie said yes. The boys house he was going to had a motorbike and our boys often road around in the fields together. So Jamie followed BJ there so the boys could ride. I returned home and we had supper, Mac now had two friends over too. About 7:15 or so BJ called to say he decided to not stay over night, ( he didn’t stay over at other peoples houses very often. He was a home body.) so we were not surprised when he wanted to come home. He said his bike was almost out of gas and he needed some. Jamie told him to just go slow and he would meet him on the back road with gas……….

That’s where our story takes a turn for the worst. Jamie arrived at the corner where BJ was to meet him and the “ accident” had already happened. Jamie knew when he saw BJ he was dead. Our nightmare begins.😢😢

To say it is a living nightmare is a gross understatement. There is no pain greater in this world than losing a child. I promise you this. NO GREATER PAIN IN THE WORLD !!!!!!!

We have had many great moments in our lives in the last 25 years. The births of our grandchildren, our son’s accomplishments. Many many other happy times. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, weddings and family time. But always always there is a cloud of doom over us. No matter what is happening we feel the missing presence of “BJ” over and over. He is always missed.

So I guess I am left to wonder, HOW did we get here. I remember the first hours, days, weeks, months and now years. Like it was only yesterday. The raw pain of missing him at every important event in our lives. Pretending that we were all ok. When we really were not. Far from it. The deep pain at having to get up every morning know it was another painful day without our BJ. ❤️

I know that I am carrying on the best I can. We all are. I also know that our grandkids are such a joy to us and they fulfill us in ways I can not describe. I love them with all my heart. I am also blessed to have Mac and Gordon in my life they also fill me up. And on my many bad days I look to all of them for peace and love, they give me so much.

Jamie is also my support and always has been from day one. He held me up when I didn’t think I could walk. He wiped my tears when I could not stop crying. He held my hand when I just need his touch to keep from falling apart. I do know how lucky I am to have you Jamie. I promise I do. Someday I will be able to fully repay you for being my person, my support, my love. I love you for always, my love ❤️

So again here I am at a major milestone in my life. 25 years without my baby boy. The baby boy that made me a Mommy. The baby boy that taught me what true love is. The baby boy who brought us so much joy and love. We were bursting at the seams. He was our Angel on earth from the day he was born we just didn’t know it then. How lucky was I that he choose me to be his Mommy when God was passing out parents.

So tomorrow I will try as hard as I can to remember BJ for the beautiful person he was, and try really hard not to dwell on the day of his accident when he got his beautiful Angel wings and went to join my Mom in heaven. I know now that he has both my Mom and Dad with him in heaven. I also know heaven is a beautiful place because BJ is there.

Before my Dad died just 6 weeks ago he and I were alone one afternoon, we talked about life and death. He told me he looked forward seeing Mom and BJ. He also asked me what I wanted him to tell BJ when he got to heaven and saw him. Well Dad I know you are in heaven with BJ now. I trust you told him what I asked you too. Rest easy Dad I know BJ was there to meet you.

Finally I want to ask everyone that knew and loved BJ to think of him tomorrow if only for a few minutes. And to say his name out loud. You see as soon as we stop remembering and talking about him or saying his name. Well that’s when he is forgotten. I never want that to happen ever. So thank you in advance sending love and hugs to all. 😘😘

Today’s saying : The day before your child dies you have a thousand problems. The day after you have only one.

Number two : Time stops when loss begins in a world that no longer keeps time.

Number three: You are the most beautiful memory I keep locked inside my heart. My BJ ❤️

Beth 😇