Tonight is the eve of “27” years that I have lived on this earth without my son BJ. I decided to write about GRIEF tonight as it weighs heavy on me today and always. ❤️

Grief I know you intimately ……. I have lived with you by my side for more than 27 years. I really thought I knew what grief was, but until someone you love with all your heart dies you have no idea. I had no idea !!!!!!

You have been my first thought every morning and my last thought every night “BJ”

Grief I have grown to hate you so very much. I hate how you have taken over my life. You are a poison to my body the pain you cause is unbearable. Yet I bear it ….. I try to move on to hopefully pick up the pieces of my life again. I have prayed and hoped for that for so long. But every happy moment is marred with you. I think I just can’t go on, yet somehow I do. I don’t want to move on, yet I do one tiny tiny footstep at a time………Tiny tiny footstep.

I had a child die. I hear myself say it. I see the words in writing. I still don’t believe it. 27 years I say to myself. NO WAY. How can it be ? Dead how does a mother hear those words. He was just here, I was just talking to him. I have not heard his voice for so very long now. Would I still know it ? I miss his smile, I miss his hugs, I miss his kind heart. Then I say to myself. He wasn’t just here. He wasn’t. 💔 Yes it is true I have had a child die, I am the mother of a child who died. A child who is dead. The worst word in the world. DEAD 💔

Oh grief how you have tortured me, you shredded my heart to tiny pieces. You have ruined so many things for me. Every single family gathering from Birthdays to Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day, even Halloween. ( BJ’s favourite day of the year) all the school sports and pageants, and baby christenings. Everything good and happy there is a tear of pain in. Then if I dare to laugh or smile or have a nice time I feel insurmountable pain deep in my soul. Where only my pillow knows the depth of this pain.

Finally I drift off to sleep. Relief from my grief if only for a few short hours. Then to wake without my BJ again and again and again, there you are grief waiting for me as you grip the last pieces of my broken heart. When will these last few pieces of my broken heart run out ?

How do I go on ? Please grief just go away let me be at peace if only for just one day. But no life goes on even if it is painful. As I face each moment in time without my son ❤️

Who would you be now ? What would you be doing now ? Would you have your own family by now ? A wife and kids ? Would would we be doing together as a family now ? There is never an answer to my questions, there will never ever be an answer to my questions I must accept that.

I long for the good old days …. They never come, they can’t come again. Then I long for the day that I will hold you in my arms again. I know that we will be together someday. Until then I do my best to live my lives in grief, as best i can. You see Grief lasts for as long as you loved that person who died. Forever 🥰

People think I have survived your leaving. What they don’t understand is that I have to learn how to survive each day. Because each day he’s still gone. ❤️ I walked down memory lane today because I know you will be there BJ, the road without you is so very long, a tear for every mile. The worst day of my life was the last day of yours.

I love you “BJ” I will never stop loving you or grieving for you. EVER. And I will find you wherever you are. ❤️❤️

Mom 😇

Tonight’s sayings : Some days the memories still knock the wind out of me.

# 2 : I didn’t realize you could feel this much pain yet still be alive.

# 3 : Don’t ever judge anyone on how they handle a pain you’ve never felt.