The absolute worst day of the year for me is April 20th. Since 1996 I have had 28 of these miserable days. I can tell you I have dread every single one of them. You see it was 28 years ago April 20/1996 our beautiful first born son BJ died in an awful accident. Although there have only been 28 April 20Th’s since that day. I live every single day in grief, it never goes away. 10,220 days in grief is a very long time. I thought grief was something that would go away with time. But I promise you it never does. We don’t return to who we once were after the loss of a child, instead, we begin a second life.

FACT : following the loss of any loved one, about 10% of individuals develop enduring grief; in contrast, up to 94% of parents carry enduring grief for their lost child for the rest of their lives. Mothers who have lost a child are particularly vulnerable to enduring grief regardless of how many years have passed.

I also have a hard time with the word loss or lost my child. He is not lost I known actually where he is. He is buried in a graveyard in Gibbons. I know where he is and I hate it every single day. Never mistake, I know where he is. We are born once and we celebrate our birthday every year until our death. But to be celebrated every year after our death makes our birth meaningful.

Not to misunderstand me I have had many beautiful days and moments in my life since BJ died. My sons have both been married. I have 6 beautiful grandkids I would not trade these moments in time ever. But with every beautiful moment and happy time comes the missing person who you wish was there to celebrate these moments. Always an empty chair, always that one person missing from every picture taken in time.

I also miss the the person BJ would have become. The man I never got to see him be. The father he will never be, the Uncle, the friend. He has missed to many occasions to mention, and to many occasions have missed him. We have all been robbed of the life he would have joined us in. These things I will forever miss.

I found this beautiful poem that I kept, it says everything I feel.

I Am Gonna Miss You I am gonna miss you forever…did you know that ? I will spend the rest of my life missing you. In big ways, and small ways, in medium ways, and ALWAYS, I am gonna miss you. There are not many things that last forever, but missing people never ends. Even people you shouldn’t miss or don’t want to miss or who don’t deserve to be missed. That feeling will creep in like a robber on his tip toes. He’s in there and there is nothing you can do about it. And, it’s a beautiful thing because I know I’ll never forget to keep missing you, even when the spaces between remembering and forgetting get longer. But it’s awful because you only have to miss someone when they’re gone. Sometimes, I’ll miss you and I’ll know that’s what I am doing. And, sometimes it’s just an emptiness or an ache that creeps in and takes me a moment to ponder. What hurts and where it’s coming from, my body then clues into the differences between the pain of a cut on my hand and the grief of you being gone. And, then I’ll remember, and I’ll miss you then too. For all my days, not everyday, but in little pieces until the end of time. I am gonna miss you forever. And, I find so much peace and so much pain in that …… all at once. I am gonna miss you.

Tonight’s saying : We understand death only after it has placed its hands on someone we love ❤️

2nd : You are always here ….. And always gone. 🥰

3rd : Tears are not a measurement of grief. 😢

Beth 😇