It’s been a while. So much going on in my world. Some good some not so great. I mostly want to talk about BJ right now. It’s has been “30”years since he died. I can’t believe it 🤬 I can barely get the words out. I have such a broken heart right now as I try so hard to navigate this milestone. There are people who say I am so strong. I am. But not in the way they imagine. My strength comes from having no option. The worst day of my life will always be the last day of BJ’s. I have been dreading this day for so long. I really think the worst part was waking up the morning after his accident realizing he was gone forever. That morning I felt for the first time physical pain without being hurt. I truly passed my hardest moments alone…while everyone believed I was fine. Loosing BJ was and still is the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I truly believe we will never stop grieving for him. Right now as I grieve a whole new time again. One minute I’m laughing and smiling over a memory of BJ and the next minute I’m crying over the same memory. It is just so awful grief it consumes your ever waking moment and when I finally do sleep I wake in a sweat missing him all over again. It’s such a cruel world sometimes. One of the saddest things for me is I will love BJ for the rest of my life and he won’t be here to know it.💔

Because this is such a rough month/ day for us Jamie and I decided to just jump in the car and get away. We were not sure where we were going…..we landed in Radium Hot springs a great choice for us the weather is great the mountains are good for the soul, and the hot pool is so good for our well-being. We have both slept so well after 2 to 3 hours every night in the mineral pool. Most sleep I have had in months. We have ate slept and just walked around in the beautiful scenery and weather. Rejuvenating our hearts and souls. Lots of tears too but that is good to cleans us. I am so glad and so lucky to have Jamie to navigate this horrible horrible time with me. We are talking about BJ and all the great and beautiful times we had with him. I know Mac would probably like to hear the stories too, as he is in all of them as well. They had such a special bond as brothers. I know Mac is missing him as well. When we are back I will share all our stories again Mac. 💔

A little story… We came to Radium with BJ when he was about 6 months old. Our first family trip. Stayed at the lodge above the pool. (Which by the way burnt down and the government would not let them rebuild we have been told on this trip) anyway we parked our car and as always I had lots packed. We were carrying everything to our room BJ on my hip and way to many bag’s he wiggled out of my arms and fell right on his head on the cement floor. Got a big knot on his head and cried his little eyes out. Jamie was so mad at me. After I calmed Jamie and BJ down. We went to the hot pool and BJ so loved the water he played for hours there. He was in his glory. Jamie made sure both boys loved the water and they sure did. Bj’s hair was bright red when he was that age everywhere we went people commented on it. The staff at the restaurant fell in love with him and cooked special things for him every night. It was a great first family trip except for the knot on his head. Lol lol. Oh how I miss him 💔

Last week we had two separate people tell us about seeing a psychic and they talked about BJ actually using his name “BJ”. It was so beautiful both Jamie and I cried he is still always around us. Coming into our lives through other people. Now if he could please come to me a little more. I need him now. More than ever. You see people think that because I keep going, I don’t hurt. Let me be very clear….. I hurt AND I keep going. So is life 💔

Some of the hardest things for me right now is all the things BJ is missing. He has nieces and nephews who would love him and him them. 5 of the six are all driving now. Although sometimes I hate the phones the kids have. I am very jealous of other bereaved parents who have hundreds of pictures of their kids on phones their whole lives are on phones these days. BJ never had a cell phone they were not a thing when he died. Lucky because he and Virginia talked on the phone for hours BJ had a phone cord 30 feel long to reach into his room. They would have been on the phone 24~7. lol lol you know I am right Virginia. I wonder all the time what he would be doing now? Gordon and BJ would have a chain of restaurants by now. As that was always the dream. I also know BJ would love Ava’s red hair too. He always said he was special because of the red hair. Nobody in his classes ever had red hair he loved that. Hannah graduates this year something BJ never got to do. But he would have been there a very proud uncle. She is going to Grant McEwen in the fall he never got to do that either. So I hope all the kids persue their dreams in memory of him. . Ava turned 16 this last week. That really hit me hard as now his two nieces are both older than he was. Zack and BJ would have had a lot in common both had Gordon to take care of. (Sorry Gordon lol ) Austin and Riley would have talked hockey with BJ all day long. BJ also loved hockey and collected cards always. Maybe someday they will be worth something. Who knows. Chloee our baby not a baby anymore well BJ loved all sports he would love her volleyball and cheered her on. Also Ava’s basketball. He would have been a great Uncle. If only he had the chance. Instead …… His smile is frozen in a picture frame forever. 💔

Well BJ…. What an honor it is to grieve you, because that means I had the privilege of loving you, and being loved by you. Being your Mom if only here on earth for 15 years was the greatest gift of my life. But make no mistake I will always be your Mom. Hear and in heaven. Gone from our sight but never from our hearts.❤️ I ask my friends and family now. Please be patient with us. You see we lost our son and while it might seem like a long time ago to you, it is everyday for us. I hope heaven realizes it’s holding what we spend every day missing. 💔

April 20th/2026 “30” years without you BJ it never gets easier.

I am going to get back into doing my blog again. Hopefully someone wants to read it. Time will tell. god Bless everyone. Thanks for reading. And thanks for helping us remember BJ today and always.

A little saying :Some people are so special that even heaven couldn’t wait for them. 😇❤️

Another: Grief is the price we pay for love 😇❤️

Beth 😇