December 11/2016

After such a wonderful day yesterday I found myself to be leaky today. I have had a cry every time I turned a corner. Not because anything happened. It is just the season for me. I try hard not to let it happen but I am carrying around a heavy burden this year. 

I was up early about 6:30 and I had a cry before Jamie even got out of bed . Lol. He always feels so helpless for me these days. And really I feel helpless too tears come so easily these days.  It seems like I just have to get the crying out of my system and then I make it throught the holidays.  

I miss BJ so much this time of year, everyone is out shopping for there kids and holiday gifts for the family. Our family is forever broken. Not that we have not mended over the years. ( 21 Christmasses this year without BJ. ) Because for sure we are. But maybe because I am fighting ( and I am fighting ) this cancer this year. My emotions are a little more raw. I can’t help but think of the things that will never be for him, no wife, no kids, no grandkids. The reality of it all just hits me in the face and ( maybe the eyes) I cry. 

It is also getting pretty close to my surgery,  ( one week tomorrow ) and the reality of that is hitting me too. Although I am sure of my decision. It is a life altering decision to have a mastectomy. Although that is only part of it. There is chemotherapy and radiation, I don’t think those two things are going to be a walk in the park. And if I am completely honest I am a little scared about all of it. I didn’t really like my surgery in May, but I did come throught it pretty good …. All things concidered ( I do have one less kidney now). And I have no choice if I want to “live” longer. See those words bring on the tears. It is hard when you feel like you have lost control of your own life. And that it is in the hands of one very flawed medical system as I have been a part of this far.. 

I did have a very nice lunch with my sisters and my brother in-laws today. But I cried there too. They gave me a gift. It is a key to wear around my neck throught my surgery and chemo and radiation and whatever the doctors do to my body in the next few weeks and months ahead. Every time I need some strength I will hold the key and know that they are with me in spirit. And when I am all done ( whenever the f#@k that is ) with all my stuff I pass it on to someone who needs it more than me.  I told my sisters I look forward to passing it on. ❤️

So I guess I take the good with the bad. A good day yesterday and a rough one today. Then move on to tomorrow. It’s only a day away !! 

One more thing if anyone reads this tonight, this is the annual candle light, lighting for all children who went to heaven to soon. Candles will be lite all over the world tonight in honour of our babies and children who have gone before us. So please if you can light a candle for not only my son BJ and for all the parents all over the world who will not be putting a sock up, or a present under the tree for there children this Christmas. I thank you ❤️ 🎄🎅🏻

Beth 😇