October 9/2018

A cold winters day today. After getting about 6 inches of snow this weekend it really feels like winter is here. Wayyyyy to early for this girl. I want to curl up in front of the fireplace and just watch movies. Scary ones at that because Jamie doesn’t like them and I can only watch them when he isn’t here. Lol lol

I am getting ready to head back to Mexico for another round of treatments. 6 months goes by so fast. I am taking my sister (Cathy) with me this trip and I am looking forward to us having some quality sister time together. Some laughs and some fun. Although the clinic is not fun it is very informative as we meet so many people from different walks of life. All of us going in the hopes of getting better. All of us with stories of sadness and despair as we try to navigate through our illnesses. And in the end just to live long and healthy lives. I can’t wait to see who the new people we are going to meet this time. I have made so many friends along this “cancer” journey. Also to see some of the friends we made along the way. See you all there 😀

Although cancer has become a big part of my life and taken up such a large slice of it. I do have something even greater in my life that takes up a larger slice. Many who know me know what this is ??? “GRIEF” and it is even more powerful than cancer. My oldest son died at 15 years old from an accident. I can tell you it is much harder and a deeper pain then cancer.

October 11/2018 would be my son BJ’s 38th birthday and his 23rd birthday in heaven. I heard a saying today it is ” I only miss you when I’m breathing “. It is so true. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss him so much. I choose to believe he is watching down from heaven and keeping a close eye on me as I go through this cancer journey. A part of our family is so broken without him. I have come to the terms that his piece of the puzzle will always be missing as he took it with him to heaven. No one ……no one can understand the heartbreak of loosing a child unless it has happened to you. I wish the pain of the death of a child to happen to no one. But unfortunately like cancer it does happen to so many of us.

BJ was such a special boy with a heart of gold and as large as the moon. I think of how lucky we were to be given him. Our time with him was much to short. It was also precious. “If” only we knew he was going to die that day ? I often wonder would we do anything different ? Then I think no… I would change nothing. Our family was so complete and so beautiful with BJ and Mac. We were the luckiest parents in the world. After he died we had a new normal. Without BJ. He will forever be our firstborn and our beautiful handsome son. Life does go on, like it or not. And many times I did not want it to go on. Then here we are 23 years later, missing him everyday, living life without him. BUT not a day goes by we don’t miss our son. Happy Birthday in heaven BJ 🎂🎉until me meet again ❤️

As my time gets closer to going to Mexico I find myself getting so emotional, and really scared. Although I can’t wait to do all my blood work and to see how my numbers are. It scares the “shit” out of me. There is always the possibility “it” the ever scary “IT” (cancer) . Can come back.

A good friend of mine that I did meet on my Mexico trips, had her cancer come back. Also a very beautiful person and a girl who was my friends niece, a friend of mine also, and following the Mexico treatment, died last week from her breast cancer. It is with a very heavy heart I go to her funeral on Thursday. That is also BJ’s birthday. I wonder if the universe is telling me something. Maybe they are up there together looking down on all of us. I really hope so. 🙏🏻😇😇

I do not take a single day for granted. I know cancer can and does come back to so many people. I pray 🙏🏻 that I am not one of those people and if I live a good and healthy life I can keep “IT” (cancer) at bay. Although I thought so much about dying myself and actually wanting to die after BJ died. My mind set has changed and now I work daily at staying healthy and following my Mexico treatments at home, to stay alive. I will meet BJ at heavens gate one day……. I now want it to be in the far far away future. So you see things do change over time. Life is so very precious. Live it.

This blog is in memory of “Gina”. Rest In Peace and out of pain dear girl. 😇❤️ may all your family find peace.

Today’s saying : Time only teaches us to conceal our pain from others and we learn to grieve all by ourselves.